Loneliness of the Heart
by Ivoryi
Summary: Horatio is dealing with a new emotion. Could a French ship change his view of himself and his life?
1. New Feelings

Hey ho the dairy-o! I don't own Horatio! CS Lewis wrote the books and BBC puts on the television shows!  
  
Warning: This is an AU. Horatio was given command of the Indefatigable while Pellew traveled to England to report on their progress during the war. If this pisses you off, flame me or shut up and go find something about Horatio/Archie.  
  
Oh, and just to let you know, I live in America and don't get BBC so I might not be as accurate about certain things. Please let me know if I get the ships wrong, names wrong, etc. and I will correct them. I get my copies of the show through a television series magazine and have only seen about 8 episodes.  
  
This is my first Horatio Hornblower fic so please be kinda nice when you REVIEW *hint hint* Flames are funny if you want to submit those too. Feel free to e-mail me whenever, my address is in my bio. God Bless Ian!  
  
Chapter 1 Thoughts At Sea  
  
Horatio looked wistfully out at the rolling waves passing beneath the ship. His ship. It was for now anyway. He felt so goddamn proud of himself. He was in command. This was what his father had always wanted for him, to be strong and in charge of his own life and respected. And he was, he was. Simpson was gone, that bastard. Archie hadn't had a seizure in 4 months and Horatio was glad to see his friend finally at ease. Everything had happened so quickly, it was insane. He felt happy but there was a strange feeling in the back of his mind, as if he was trying to convince himself that he was content but was not. It wasn't doubt; Horatio was always a little worried. No, this was a new emotion, something he never realized was gnawing at his spirit. He pushed it down and focused on the men under his command.  
  
"Styles, tie down that rigging before we lose the mast!"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
Archie approached Horatio a little more hesitantly than usual. He had a feeling that his friend wasn't as blissful as he should be. Archie genuinely wanted to help, and not be a burden and be able to comfort Horatio, not the other way round like it usually was. He was extremely grateful for all Hornblower had done for him and now he felt that it was his time to return the favor.  
  
"Sir, how are you feeling?"  
  
"What, oh, fine Archie. Just fine. 'Tis a beautiful sight is it not?"  
  
"Indeed it is Horatio. But I get the feeling from you that you are yearning to see another beautiful sight than the one you behold now?" Archie asked warily. He did not want to upset Horatio but he could not deny the sense of loneliness emanating from his dear companion.  
  
"What? I'm not sure I understand your meaning Archie." Horatio wondered what Archie was thinking and pondered on the idea that maybe he was homesick. No, that wasn't it either. He liked England but he loved the open ocean and the salty sea smell much more than the smoke and fog.  
  
Archie decided not to embarrass his commander. "Oh, twas nothing important." He turned to leave, but Horatio's sudden words halted his steps.  
  
"Archie, would you join me for dinner in my room? I feel as if we haven't talked in ages."  
  
Kennedy was delighted. He hoped that maybe Horatio would choose to confide in him and if not it would give him a good excuse to get away from the lewd behavior of some of the crew and talk to a gentleman.  
  
Chapter 2 I Don't Understand  
  
Horatio looked up at Archie who had just stuffed a biscuit into his mouth and at the moment looked like a chipmunk. Or maybe not a chipmunk. It had been so long since he had seen such an animal that he really couldn't remember what it looked like. But either way, it made him chuckle heartily.  
  
"It's good to see you in such high spirits, sir." Archie said after he had swallowed.  
  
"Why would I not be? I have been given command of the ship I love. For what reason would there be sorrow on my part?" No, it definitely wasn't sadness he was feeling. God, what was it?  
  
"Sir, would you mind if I speak freely?" Archie knew his friend would not deny him that right, Horatio was too good of a fellow to ever hinder another from speaking.  
  
"Of course Archie."  
  
"Horatio, it seems to me that you have been struggling with something for the past couple of weeks and I wish to allay your suffering but I do not know how to ask you what is wrong."  
  
"Oh. Well, um, I believe, Archie, that your fears are not entirely without merit. I feel extremely elated with the situation I face at present but there is something that I cannot name, even to myself. I don't understand it at all, Archie." Horatio hoped that maybe his companion would have some insight to his predicament for he himself could not understand what was happening to him. The emotion seemed to suddenly grow at his uttering these pleading words to his friend.  
  
"Is it that you can't name this, or refuse to, for I would never judge you or betray you, please understand that." Archie hoped that his commander would confide in him for he wished to carry Horatio's hardships as Hornblower had done for him.  
  
Horatio thought a moment. "I do know that I can trust you Archie. I have never doubted your loyalty. But I feel that I cannot name this, perhaps I do refuse to classify it for I am afraid of my own mind. But it seems to tear at my heart." These last words he uttered in such unspoken grief that Archie instantly knew what ailed his familiar.  
  
"Horatio, I do believe it is loneliness that plagues you."  
  
"But I have so many companions and friends on this ship, and I do not wish to see England with any great intensity.."  
  
"No, Horatio. Not loneliness as you are thinking of but perhaps you are missing closer companionship. Perhaps a girl you once knew that you left behind in England or someone of the like.."  
  
Before Archie could finish his sentence or Horatio could respond to this possibility, there was a knock at the door. "Mr. Kennedy, I do believe you are on first watch tonight."  
  
"Oh, I had quite forgotten. Thank you, Styles, for reminding me. It was wonderful talking with you Horatio. Perhaps we could finish this conversation tomorrow if you wish." Archie smiled at his friend and left him alone with his thoughts.  
  
"Yes, of course, tomorrow." Horatio was silently stunned at Archie's last remarks. Was it loneliness as Archie had described it to him? God, his head pounded at the thought of a woman. He had never really had any experience with women before, besides a few kisses. Horatio loved women of course, it was just that he was always looking from afar, never daring to talk to one, lest he sound like a retarded fool. Hornblower had let that fall to the other men, the ones who were confident and not so childish.  
  
Oh, damnation, would he every be fully happy?! 


	2. Darkness And Mist

Hello everybody! I don't own Horatio Hornblower or the books or BBC, so don't sue!  
  
Special thanks to shezzawotto and Parry Aldon and reader. Yes, I will be continuing with this fic if you keep reviewing it! And thanks for the correction, I changed the error. I completely sympathize! I too have nothing against reading slash, but I just can't make sexy Horatio gay! Please don't give up on me now!  
  
Chapter 3 Darkness And Mist  
  
His eyes flew open. "What the." O God it was just another dream. It had been a month since Archie and Horatio had talked in his cabin yet these dreams, no, these nightmares made him feel like it was only yesterday. Horatio had this reoccurring dream that he died at sea and no one shed a tear. But why did that make him awake in the middle of the night with glistening sweat covering his body? No, he wasn't lonely and even if he was, he was determined to maintain his composure; if not for the crew than for his own blasted sanity.  
  
Suddenly, he felt tears well up in his eyes. Surely if he died, someone would cry at the loss. Wouldn't they?  
  
Damn it Horatio, he yelled at his mind. What the hell's the matter with you? How are you ever going to become a captain when you can't even take care of yourself?  
  
There was a knock at the door. He jumped, wiped his eyes and face trying to control his emotions.  
  
"Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you but there's a heavy mist and Landing says he's sure he sees a Frog ship out in the distance. He says it's coming toward us but he doesn't think they can see us yet." Matthews spurted his message out in a hurried whisper.  
  
"What?!" Horatio jumped out of his hammock and hit his head on the low ceiling. O gods, why him? Why of all the bloody days and people did it have to be today and him? It's okay, you've captured French ships before or at least damaged the hell out of them. The men trust you and you'll get through this one together.  
  
Horatio was on deck in a moment's time. He was informed by Landing that there was a French merchant ship only 1 league away. Wonderful. If he failed, there goes the chance to be an upstanding captain. I should just run away and become a filthy pirate, he thought to himself sarcastically.  
  
The men were creeping around on the deck, loading the cannons and climbing the rigging. Running silent went without saying.  
  
"Hopefully, if all goes right, we can just swing over, board the ship and they'll surrender," Archie whispered to a nervous Horatio.  
  
"Yes, and maybe the French will just give up the whole war and invite us over for tea and crumpets. Are you mad, Archie? You know what the French are like! That might work in the Caribbean but we're civilized in Britain. We'll take the ship."  
  
"Aye, aye, sir."  
  
Archie wondered what Horatio was thinking. He seemed much more hesitant and tense than he usually was. He needs a girl, Kennedy mused. He needs a girl more than he knows.  
  
The Frog ship was slowly drifting toward the Indefatigable.  
  
"Run out the cannons!" Horatio whispered urgently. His nerves were starting to get the best of him. I can't let that happen, it would surely mean death or capture for the men and I, he thought anxiously.  
  
Horatio could see the clear outline of the ship as it moved in their direction, like a sitting duck.  
  
"FIRE!"  
  
The cannons rained heavy black balls down on the merchant vessel and inflicted terrific damage on the deck and base of the main mast.  
  
Throughout the chaos that ensued on both ships, Horatio could hear a cry echo over the deep sea.  
  
"Damn!" "FIRE!"  
  
"Sir, what's wrong?"  
  
"Archie, they were running silent too. We've tricked each other! Merchant ships are equipped with their own cannons and guns too! Their captain just yelled fire!" Horatio's mind was swimming in chaos. What would Pellew do? He would lead the men, to death if need be. Death. What a horrid word to a sailor, hell, a person.  
  
The mast of the Frog ships tumbled into the ocean and the blast rocked the Indefatigable like a cradle. The men struggled to regain their footing and rushed to their cannons. The cannonballs fired upon them had caused some damage to the deck and quarters.  
  
"Sir, should we board or return fire? Sir?" Matthews cried.  
  
"Board as many men as we have pistols and swords! We're going to take the Frogs to the bottom of the ocean! Long live the Queen!"  
  
'Long live the Queen' was yelled as the men swung onto the ship and began fighting on the deck. Horatio watched from the Indefatigable. A captain is to lead his men into battle. He had done that, but why was he still on the ship? The nightmares; dying and not missed! Hornblower pushed aside his thoughts and grabbed a rope.  
  
Horatio swung onto the ship amid the shots and clanking of swords and the grunts of hand to hand combat. He battled tirelessly without thought, just the raw, mechanical motions of someone who had been well trained.  
  
"HORATIO!" Archie cried to his friend. Horatio stopped momentarily, glancing up at the shout.  
  
He heard a shot and went cold.  
  
Hahahahaha  
  
What a great cliffhanger, dontcha think? 


	3. Blinding Light

Oh, how I love reviews! I really must apologize at my unforgivable mistakes that occurred in the past chapters. I am so incredibly sorry and I hope you all with forgive me and enjoy the rest of this fic. While I don't know if I can go back and fix the errors I have made, I promise to be a little more attentive to my writing. Thanks again guys! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At first he felt numb.  
  
He would have thought that this sensation was a bit strange, if he had had any time to think.  
  
Then, like a lightning bolt, he felt it. White hot pain coursing throughout his body. *God have mercy* he moaned.  
  
As Horatio tried to cope with the pain and focus on the raging sea battle all about him, his vision began to blur; everything going out of focus. All he could make out was the figure of a man approaching him quickly.  
  
Horatio raised his cutlass swiftly, but his arm was too weak to even hold the handle, much less brandish it and defend himself.  
  
He took his last few moment of life to reflect. What had he done? All his conversations with Archie flooded back, like a storm after cabin fever. And now he realized, although he had felt lonely, he had still had the hope of tomorrow. But now, with a powder keg ball lodged in his side, he had no idea what would happen to him.  
  
The figure approached a little more quickly, yelling something undiscernibly. This annoyed Horatio, who would very much have liked to know what exactly the dastardly Frog was screaming. But he didn't dwell on it much, for now the side of the ship that he had been leaning against refused to hold him erect.  
  
As Horatio landed on the hard, brown planks below him, he suddenly became aware of how much pain a small, hot ball could punish him with. Groaning with pain, he realized the futility of trying to fight the searing wound.  
  
*By God, I hope the Frogs don't take the ship* Horatio thought as he let the sparking pain wash over him and carry him to the world without dreams. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, could things be any worse?  
  
Oh, apparently they could, for it now began to rain.  
  
Abigail Cunningham couldn't see any way around it. She had had a bad week.  
  
When her pa told her that the family had decided to send her away to school in Scotland, she cried. When she had been told that she would have to travel on her pa's merchant ship with her governess Ms. Fairchild, she cried. When these mongrel Frogs had taken over the ship, she screamed bloody murder and hit 3 of them with a frying pan. That part wasn't so terrible.  
  
But being taken by Frogs and watching her pa's ship sink to the bottom of the ocean was unbearable. The horrid Frogs didn't seem to mind, they actually thought it was quite humorous to joke around about Abigail. Her stiffening body and stone-cold glares only seemed to make them all the more free to say what they wished. She didn't know what they planned to do with her, but she promised herself that she wouldn't stay long enough to find out.  
  
But now, even that plan was ruined. This English ship, the Indefatigable, had gone and put more than a couple holes in her suicide plan. It had put a couple holes in the ship.  
  
Looking around for any way to escape the horrible mess, Abigail mused to herself that it might be quite amusing to be a stowaway. But that too, fate had decided a different direction for her. A man, a young man, a familiar looking young man, had just crumpled to the planks, blood staining his fingers as he tried to hold his wound.  
  
Abigail wouldn't have thought twice about it, but why did he look so familiar? She felt that he was important, after all, she had seen him give the orders to fire and board the Frenchies ship. But he looked so young, and this jolted a memory in her head. Abigail felt a rush of courageous blood flow to her legs and she ran over to him.  
  
Archie, quite busy beating back the Frogs from Horatio's now still body, looked back and blinked. A dress? What in the bloody hell?  
  
The Frogs were losing fast and regretted the disease that had passed among a few of their men over the past few weeks at sea. Their defeat seemed inevitable and everyone on board the ship could see their waning power.  
  
Abigail held Horatio's head in her hands, looking for head injuries. As she moved his arm away from his side to inspect the wound, another young man knelt beside her.  
  
"We best be getting him back to the ship miss, before he bleeds to death."  
  
"Oh, yes, you're absolutely right, um..."  
  
"Mr. Archie Kennedy ma'am. And you are...?"  
  
"No time for formalities, Mr. Kennedy. This man needs a bed and a doctor."  
  
"Of course." Archie smiled at the girl. *What the bloody hell is going on?* he thought. How does this slip of a woman get on a Frog ship, live, and then try to rescue the captain?  
  
*Horatio's going to have a fit when he wakes up.* Archie mused. 


	4. Did I Misunderstand?

Ahhh... another chapter done. This story has definitely changed from what my first ideas were but I think evolving is good for a story.

If there's anything you would like me to put in the story, please tell me so. I always respect the wishes of my loyal reviewers.

Which reminds me, I love all of you so MUCH!! I probably would've completely given up this story after the first chapter if it wasn't for you guys! I know there aren't that my HH fans out there and especially the numbers have diminished because of all the HA slash that's on this site. Oh well. I have nothing against that, but I thought Horatio should be straight in at least one story.

Anyway, I don't own Horatio Hornblower. CS Forrester does. Although I wouldn't mind getting my hands on Ioan.

HEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

His eyes felt so...heavy. He had never known such exhaustion. His body felt as though he would fall through the very floor. The weight of his own head surpassed all reasoning. Not that in his state he could reason very well. Thoughts came in spurts but the pain...the pain was continuous. He noticed that it had subsided into a dull throb that seemed to ring throughout his body. 'Should I dare open my eyes?' What would he see? A Frog doctor stitching him up before the execution? The brig, a place reserved for criminals and prisoners of war? 'What should be my fate if I were to open my eyes?'

Horatio decided that he would think about that later. First, he would open his eyes and then he would deal with the consequences of that action when they came. But as his senses became alerted to his wakefulness, he heard humming.

This was not something he was prepared for. The pure shock of hearing humming when he should be hearing something like a death march or a dirge alarmed Horatio so much that his eyes flew open. The pain this caused momentarily blinded him but when he gathered the strength to lift his eyelids once more, Horatio saw none other than Archie sitting by his hammock, staring at nothing and humming.

Horatio licked his dry, parched lips to say something but found that the words stuck fast in his throat. A soft moan was all that emerged.

"Horatio? Oh thank God. Do you want something to eat? Or drink? Oh I'm so happy you're awake!" A flustered Archie opened the door to the cabin Horatio occupied and grabbed someone and pulled them inside.

The dizzying and painful sensation of sitting straight up in what was to be the second shock since Horatio woke up subsided quickly. The girl rushed to his side as he stared at her, too stunned to say anything.

"You need to rest. You've been bleeding fairly heavily. That wound isn't fully healed yet."

"What?" Confused, Horatio accepted her ministrations as she covered him with another blanket and held a glass of water up to his lips.

"Oh, I'm so sorry sir. Please forgive me, I forgot to introduce Miss Cunningham."

"Abigail, Mr. Kennedy, will do just fine. Now, Mr. Hornblower, is there anything that I can do for you?"

Horatio's head buzzed with a million questions. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Well, I can see you're a blunt fellow. To put it simply, my name is Abigail Cunningham. I'm English, no worries there, and the Frogs burned my father's ship on which I was traveling. So when you kind chaps blew a hole in the ship, I knew I'd found my passage home. Although I didn't expect to be staring at a bloody hole in that captain of this fine vessel."

"She's a woman and she saved your life, Horatio." As always, Archie was more than glad to help. The whole situation would have seemed laughable to him, except it had been quite unnerving to see his friend so pale and covered in blood.

Horatio closed his eyes to gather his thoughts. So I was shot, and this girl took care of me. So I'm not dead. And I still have a ship. And I also have a woman on board. This wasn't so much of a problem when the Duchess was on board, but her? Oh well, I guess I am in some kind of debt to her.

"Miss Cunningham, I thank you for your services and I will do all in my power to return you to England as soon as possible."

"Oh but I don't want to go home."

"You don't? Forgive me, I believed you said that this was your passage home? Did I misunderstand?" Horatio had no idea what she was talking about and it only made his head spin more.

"Well, eventually I want to go home. But first I want to go wherever this ship is going." Abigail said all this with a smile on her face. 'By God, he is handsome though' she thought.

"Miss, this ship is en route to England."

Abigail looked a little bewildered. "But, don't ships go to places like the Indies and round the Cape of Good Hope and travel to Brazil?"

"Well, yes, sometimes. But I'm only temporarily the captain of The Indefatigable. The appointed captain is currently guiding another ship back to England as well. We are to meet him there." Horatio was utterly confused by this woman. She seemed truly upset that she was going back to England after her ordeal. Why would Miss Cunningham want to sail the seven seas? Only God knows.

During this time, Archie had been trying not to laugh out loud. This situation that Horatio found himself in was hysterical, not to mention quite ridiculous. During Horatio's period of unconsciousness, he had been able to talk to this Miss Cunningham and had found herself to be quite a remarkable young woman. She talked about her sheltered life with much disdain and yet knew all the treatments for Mr. Hornblower's acquired injuries and seemed to know a great deal about ships, weather and the oceans.

He asked her once how she knew about all such things, for it seemed unnatural to him that a girl of her position in life would know nothing more than how to sew. She had looked at him squarely and said, "Mr. Kennedy, my position in life requires me to be studious. The reading given to me was quite boring and so I chose my own. I would much rather know about the working of a ship such as this than how my manners at the dinner table affect the Queen of England's governmental authority."

He was quite impressed. Archie knew she would be nothing like the Duchess.


End file.
